Loser in Passing #1: Chive on!
Loser in Passing #2: Chive on!
Me (aka Loser #3): Fuck off!
Abuzz with their initial popularity, a website, that basically did not a damn thing other than repost funny shit they found on the internet, leveraged the inanity of their fans into a honey pot of pop culture vis a vis social media.
This amazes me and I give all the credit to the business minds that managed to convince a bunch of drones to buy purposely cryptic t-shirts so that they could all identify each other wherever they went. But you can't wear the same shirt every day so you MUST buy more than one. What a genius business model!
But let's discuss these vestments...two of them in particular: the KCCO shirt and the Bill Murray one. First of all, I am absolutely sick and fucking tired of everyone marginalizing a poster, that was designed to bolster the spirit of a people that were being bombed by the Nazis on a daily basis, just for the sake of humor or, in this case, to sell shirts and create one of the most insipid fucking greetings known to man. If you don't know what KCCO stands for yet I'll leave you blissfully in the dark. Besides, I'm not positive, but if I divulge the key to crack this code I may be subject to the sting of ostracization from ever becoming accepted into this hive of douchebaggery. Assuming that is the case, I'd more than welcome that distinction and only don't type it here as it would cause me physical discomfort to do so. The real sadness is that bit of historical larceny encompasses the vast majority of the Chive's creative output.
But they couldn't mercifully stop at the shirts. Their followers can drink a bottle of beer made specifically for those in this nothingness of a community. They can all now identify each other at any drinking establishment infested with this less-than-inspired crap. If you drink KCCO and think it's good, you're either tongue dead or a douche...possibly both. "But the money from the sale of each bottle goes to charity!" Yeah. I've heard. More on that below.
That second shirt has a likewise not-all-that-mysterious acronym attached to it: BFM. This is not your Best Friend Mike, but Bill Fucking Murray. These Chivesters (no, I don't give a shit what the "proper" term is) act as if they own the right to be the only ones to bask I'm the awesomeness that is Bill Murray. Most of these pretentious slackers are late-comers to that party having mostly been born since the release of Caddyshack. Newsflash! He was quite awesome before he was canonized by you bunch of pathetically needy hipsters in desperate need of a hero.
But there is definitely money changing hands here for these banners of hipster inclusionism (shouldn't that be a dichotomy?). But what says a Chivester? The money goes to charity? Well that makes the ridiculousness of this much-ado-about-absofuckinglutely-nothing as morally and socially acceptable as a fraternity house raising money for the United Way whenever they're not drinking their pledges to death or date raping co-eds. Okay, that's an unfair generalization of fraternities as many are upstanding organizations, but I went to Rutgers where the described behavior was all too prevalent and apparently still is. I'm also not suggesting that Chivesters engage in activies as heinous. I am merely trying to illuminate the smoke and mirrors involved in both. But back on point here...as assuredly as a campaigning politician can find room in their "war chest" to "do some good" (read that as "make themselves look more human than the parasites they are") the people at the Chive surely make their money first before a single dollar is turned over. And what more, they rally their rabid and obedient fan base to give even more to select charities linked to their site. This smacks of a bit of a millionaire, left-wing celebrity (that should also be a dichotomy) asking us all to help the poor, starving children of a country that most Americans couldn't find on a map.
But I'm getting away from why the Chive sucks. Okay, it's not the Chive that sucks meaty donkey balls; it's the Chivesters. You're not a cutting edge secret society of do-gooders. You're really just a bunch of socially inept, low attention span drones who like to laugh at funny Willy Wonka and Game of Thrones memes and GIFs of cats being cats and guys taking shots to the nuts. You have an amazing capacity for being easily bilked out your expendable income so you have a visual tool to wear to meet other tool-draped tools. Sincerely, that's what social skills are for, or in lack of those, alcohol.
This amazes me and I give all the credit to the business minds that managed to convince a bunch of drones to buy purposely cryptic t-shirts so that they could all identify each other wherever they went. But you can't wear the same shirt every day so you MUST buy more than one. What a genius business model!
But let's discuss these vestments...two of them in particular: the KCCO shirt and the Bill Murray one. First of all, I am absolutely sick and fucking tired of everyone marginalizing a poster, that was designed to bolster the spirit of a people that were being bombed by the Nazis on a daily basis, just for the sake of humor or, in this case, to sell shirts and create one of the most insipid fucking greetings known to man. If you don't know what KCCO stands for yet I'll leave you blissfully in the dark. Besides, I'm not positive, but if I divulge the key to crack this code I may be subject to the sting of ostracization from ever becoming accepted into this hive of douchebaggery. Assuming that is the case, I'd more than welcome that distinction and only don't type it here as it would cause me physical discomfort to do so. The real sadness is that bit of historical larceny encompasses the vast majority of the Chive's creative output.
But they couldn't mercifully stop at the shirts. Their followers can drink a bottle of beer made specifically for those in this nothingness of a community. They can all now identify each other at any drinking establishment infested with this less-than-inspired crap. If you drink KCCO and think it's good, you're either tongue dead or a douche...possibly both. "But the money from the sale of each bottle goes to charity!" Yeah. I've heard. More on that below.
That second shirt has a likewise not-all-that-mysterious acronym attached to it: BFM. This is not your Best Friend Mike, but Bill Fucking Murray. These Chivesters (no, I don't give a shit what the "proper" term is) act as if they own the right to be the only ones to bask I'm the awesomeness that is Bill Murray. Most of these pretentious slackers are late-comers to that party having mostly been born since the release of Caddyshack. Newsflash! He was quite awesome before he was canonized by you bunch of pathetically needy hipsters in desperate need of a hero.
But there is definitely money changing hands here for these banners of hipster inclusionism (shouldn't that be a dichotomy?). But what says a Chivester? The money goes to charity? Well that makes the ridiculousness of this much-ado-about-absofuckinglutely-nothing as morally and socially acceptable as a fraternity house raising money for the United Way whenever they're not drinking their pledges to death or date raping co-eds. Okay, that's an unfair generalization of fraternities as many are upstanding organizations, but I went to Rutgers where the described behavior was all too prevalent and apparently still is. I'm also not suggesting that Chivesters engage in activies as heinous. I am merely trying to illuminate the smoke and mirrors involved in both. But back on point here...as assuredly as a campaigning politician can find room in their "war chest" to "do some good" (read that as "make themselves look more human than the parasites they are") the people at the Chive surely make their money first before a single dollar is turned over. And what more, they rally their rabid and obedient fan base to give even more to select charities linked to their site. This smacks of a bit of a millionaire, left-wing celebrity (that should also be a dichotomy) asking us all to help the poor, starving children of a country that most Americans couldn't find on a map.
But I'm getting away from why the Chive sucks. Okay, it's not the Chive that sucks meaty donkey balls; it's the Chivesters. You're not a cutting edge secret society of do-gooders. You're really just a bunch of socially inept, low attention span drones who like to laugh at funny Willy Wonka and Game of Thrones memes and GIFs of cats being cats and guys taking shots to the nuts. You have an amazing capacity for being easily bilked out your expendable income so you have a visual tool to wear to meet other tool-draped tools. Sincerely, that's what social skills are for, or in lack of those, alcohol.
Said shortly, I will NOT keep calm and I will most certainly NOT EVER Chive on. So fuck off! Oops, I gave away the secret code. What's that buzzing? I think they're coming for me. Nope, just a swarm of pelotonus cyclidae, pissed off at my previous entry. Now where did I put that quinoa gun?
NOTE: Don't EVER confuse the Chive with the Onion. Although, vegatively speaking they're in the same family, the websites have nothing in common. The good folks at the Onion are absolutely and creatively hilarious while at the same time poking fun at the misbalances in our world through allegory and inversionary tactics. They're basically Jon Stewart where the Chive is more Jay Leno.
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