PELOTONUS CYCLIDAE

"Share the road." - The most unintentionally ironic statement made by someone in a skin-tight onesie.

Each spring, as the air grows warmer, the dark recesses of the Northeast disengorge a plague that has been waiting for its first chance to emerge from its winter hibernation. It's a pervasive and colorful species called pelotonus cyclidae, more commonly known as the Cyclist.

Once the air temperature exceeds 40 degrees for more than two hours in a row, the cyclist begins to slough off its outer coating of Underarmor, Arch'teryx or North Face fleece to reveal the brightly-colored, form-fitting trappings that help other cyclists identify the others' equipment affiliation or other hipster-like interests, if there any other interests outside of flockimg together on their two-wheeled conveyances of freedom from the mundane, boring and all responsibility for self-preservation.

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS AND SOCIAL STRUCTURE -Wool caps are discarded in favor of what may have once been painter's caps but are now constructed of space age materials and lavishly decorated with branding in order to raise the costs beyond those who should not be allowed to don these affectations. The cap and the onesie's markings are carefully chosen in order to announce the individual cyclist's economic and social standings. This in turn establishes the pecking order. Interestingly enough, this overlying social order does not determine anything from a mating perspective, despite the colorful show of "plumage", leading many sociologists to conjecture on how the breed procreates at all. This is a further mystery considering the scrotum-squeezing tightness of their onesies and the nut-crushing anatomy of their preferred stoops. Wrap-around eyewear are one of few accessories that remain year-round and can alternately be found on top of their heads when outdoors and covering their eyes when indoors. This seems counterintuitive but is believed to be a way to exhibit their ocular abilities to withstand luminal extremes.

INDIVIDUAL AND GROUP BEHAVIOR - As each cyclist emerges, a call will go out to others of the species to join in the fun. The resultant swarm, know as a peloton only when sanctioned by a higher authority, will manifest on the roads during the most congested of hours. It is thought that pelotonus cyclidae purposely chooses its time and locale in order to increase the visibility of its colorful trappings and display to all, who couldn't care less, how much they've spent on their chosen past time. Of course, this results in conflict with those of other, less fortunate species, who can't afford to drop a couple thousand dollars on a vehicle powered almost entirely on overpriced coffee and high protein bars. The swarm is also known to gather together at houses of legislation to further make commuting life for the rest of us suckier than it usually is. Many sane people have concluded that if pelotonus cyclidae could only alter their migration pattern and timing of their emergence to avoid the hours and places when the majority of people who, in the estimation of the self-righteous cyclists, just don't get it, the world would be better for all and become safer for a species that seems bent on road domination.

CONSERVATION - Few efforts have been made to preserve this species by the masses or pelotonus cyclidae itself. Suicidal or, at best, indifferent behavior has been exhibited as large groups of cyclists will stretch out across busy byways designed for motorized vehicles so that they can talk to each other about what one can only assume to be the best way to relieve ass sores or the efficacy of acai juice in dealing with ass sores or the best materials, in the sweetest of colors, for avoiding ass sores or the latest litigation against bicycle seat manufacturers complaining of ass sores or if its really worth getting a subscription to Ass Sore Digest when you can more conveniently pick up a copy when grabbing a kopi lupek skinny lattte with coconut milk at your local Douche Mug Cafe.

OUTLOOK - Although, as a group and lifestyle, cyclists are insufferable and annoying, they are worth keeping around, if not for entertainment purposes alone. The pervasive frustration felt by the rest of us would lead one to think that there should be some sort of insecticide developed to eradicate the loathesomeness of the swarms, but taken on an individual level, pelotonus cyclidae can be actually quite fun and personable, if not completely clueless as to how the rest of society reviles them. So please, when the swarms emerge, be aware of their presence and wary of their migratory vagaries. Education and assimilation of the species is preferable over extinction. Plus, replacement of bumpers and fenders can be expensive.

NOTE: I'm aware that most cyclists outfits are two-pieced but it's a shit ton funnier to refer to them as onesies.